We don't need to want the same things
Female friendships, motherhood, judgment and unity.
Image:The Repentant Magdalen | Artist: Georges de La Tour | Date: c. 1635/1640
I’m 36, married with two kids. My best friend is 37, single and doesn’t want kids. She never wanted them and I always wanted mine. As her friend I support her and champion her, as my friend she supports me and champions me. I allow her to be as involved as she wants in my family life, as she allows me in on her personal life on her terms. We’re incredible friends, we shared many stories, many laughs, and many tears for the last 15 years and counting.
Our vastly different life decisions never affected our friendship. Matter of fact, this is the first time I’m thinking about the ways we’re different, it feels so irrelevant. But what I see in a lot of women our age is quite the opposite, I see a mind battle brewing since they had hit that quarter life milestone. One day they want kids and the next day they don’t. They judge the girls that do and judge the girls that don’t. Societal and family pressure, fear of financial strain, not feeling “ready” (you will never be), and many other reasons also play a role in this mental gymnastics.
The truth is having kids puts you through the whole range of emotions and feelings both physically, mentally and even spiritually, most women nowadays know that or imagine that or have seen that in their own mothers, unlike most if not all women that came before us, we have the autonomy to decide what path we want to take and so the decision gets harder, add the now infamous lonely men pandemic and the unsettling reality of dating apps and you have a pretty bleak landscape to top it all off.
Both for me and for my best friend however, deciding if we wanted to have kids was easy, albeit opposite from each other. We always knew what we wanted, I had always wanted to be a mom, and she had always wanted to not be a mom. But for a lot of women that line is very blurred, and I always find so sad to hear “regret” stories later in life, on both ends.
That’s why I want to encourage women to keep talking to each other about not only motherhood, but womanhood, the archaic patriarchal societal norms, the magical, the divine, the good, the great, the bad and the ugly. Exploring tough conversations will bring women more understanding, empathy, and I hope it also brings peace to decide on this major life altering commitment.
As women we often judge each other harshly and unfairly specially in motherhood, “when I’m a mom I’ll do this”, “I would never give x to my kids”, “My kids will never do x”, etc. We judge without even questioning ourselves, but instead of absolutes I now invite you to reach out and ask “Why do you approach this part of motherhood this way?”, “how do you organize your household?”, “do you need any help?”. Approaching life differently shouldn’t create an enemy out of another woman, it should create a diverse community.
We can learn so much from each other, lean in, assist, build together… Female friendships can be so rich and deep and magical if we just allow them to be. No judgment, no forcing your way, just a baseline of respect and understanding. We don’t need to want the same things, we can still be friends.